For the life of me I could not imagine why my mom put me in charge of her life.\u00a0 Or for that matter, her death.\u00a0 But there it was in black and white, signed and sealed, stamped with legal authority saying so.\u00a0 She was leaving me in charge of all things pertaining to her health and when necessary, her death.\u00a0She laid it\u00a0out so perfectly plain and simple-so simple and so premature,\u00a0I did not even\u00a0bother to read through the protocal- when it first arrived in the mail several years ago.\u00a0 I filed it away…I mean,we all knew she would be around forever.\u00a0 She who\u00a0battled life at\u00a0its worst and survived-certainly would be around\u00a0for a long, long time.\u00a0 Sadly,\u00a0this has not been the case.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0And, then, back in May 2007 when things took a dramatic and unexpected\u00a0turn-I\u00a0took out those legal documents and read each and every line.<\/p>\n
Holy Shit.<\/p>\n
Mom!\u00a0 Why?\u00a0 Why did you put me in charge or all these very difficult and so carefully thought out plans of yours?\u00a0 Your living and dying?\u00a0 Your line by line items of wishes-living while dying?.\u00a0 I thought to myself as I read and reread her detailed requests.\u00a0 I should have known.\u00a0 Though not detailed in her emotions sometimes-my mom always had a way of writing out the fine tune imprint of her heart.\u00a0 Obviously, she had taken a great deal of time in laying out what\u00a0was to be towards the end of her time.\u00a0 Just as she did back in 1994- when she took out graph lined paper and hand wrote a letter to all of her children detailing her wishes should we ever have to face the day.\u00a0 The day that looms now.\u00a0 The when.\u00a0<\/p>\n
And just in the way I manage a theater company, a production, my own life, the life of my family- I set out to methodically manage the details of my mothers death.\u00a0 The last two and a half years have not been easy at all.\u00a0 Anyone who tells you taking this head on with heart and doing it with grace is easy- clearly has not dealt in the realm of reality of death.\u00a0 Watching your mother disappear, being in the procession of an ongoing funeral, while managing\u00a0her details of living while dying is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.\u00a0 Ever. BUT, not for\u00a0the reasons you might think.\u00a0 It is for the reasons that no one, not anyone, talks about-until long after someone has died.<\/p>\n
The surrounding circumstances of death and dying bring out the worst in people.\u00a0I had\u00a0heard that,\u00a0and I expected it from the ususal suspects-and true to form, they have not disappointed.\u00a0 It has been battling, and yes, I chose that word, carefully, the ones I thought would obviously be in support of my mother’sright to die the way she wants.\u00a0 Especially in light of how carefully mom went through the steps to make it so. I think what happens, as in the case of my mothers sister, is guilt begins to play a role in choice-and there on the path of impending death-all the things you should have done begin to play in to how you proceed to make it right.\u00a0 And instead of making things right in the name of peace, you begin to show just how nasty you can be to show you care-when in fact-it’s just guilt.\u00a0 Going against the very thing my mother does not want is not the way to show you care-here, now in the final hours.<\/p>\n
I did not expect this.\u00a0 I did not expect the extra hours of dealing with the difficulty of other people’s issues in the midst of grieving for my own mother-while she is living.<\/p>\n
Why mom?\u00a0 Why did you put me in charge of all this?\u00a0 I finally said to her, cuddled up against her, there on her spot on the sofa, cuddled up against her teeny tiny frail body.<\/p>\n
And in that moment, the mom we all knew-the same one we miss so much as we look into her eyes, lifted up my chin and said:<\/p>\n
I knew you could handle this.\u00a0 I knew you could handle all of this. I knew they would have to get through you first.<\/p>\n
And there it was. The sense of peace of knowing I was doing the right thing by honoring her living and her oh so close to dying wishes.\u00a0 She raised me right.\u00a0 She, in the years of being the mom had seen me battle other matters of the heart and soul and somehow she\u00a0knew I would get her through this one too-get through it all with heart and soul in tact.<\/p>\n
Not easy. Not one bit of it.\u00a0 But is it the right thing to do.\u00a0 It is grace and peace wrapped up in the box of\u00a0 unconditional love,memories and years to come.\u00a0 It is knowing that as I honor my own mothers wishes-so too will my daughter learn to honor my wishes as they come to be.\u00a0 And as if I needed to affirm all of this?\u00a0 A small\u00a0piece of paper fell out of two pictures as I was going through oodles of photos\u00a0my\u00a0mom collected over the years.\u00a0Mom would put them in piles of where they needed to go next-usually whatever town or city each of her children were living in at the time.\u00a0 But there, on a well worn and dog eared index card,\u00a0was a quote she thought important enough to jot down and save.<\/p>\n
“one of life’s greatest pleasures, even better than getting what you<\/em> want, is being able to give someone you love what they want or need”.<\/p>\n Such is the gift to let live and to let die.<\/p>\n