I struck up a conversation with an acquaintance at the park the other day.\u00a0 Our daughters attend the same school- we have a friend in common-so I sort of kind of know her.\u00a0 We both work with at risk youth-so we share stories about children who suffer unspeakable consequences of a life they were born into without ever knowing the circumstances they would have to survive-if ever they do.\u00a0 There is a sadness about her-a hardship on her face.\u00a0 She is stoic and always on a schedule.<\/p>\n
Our conversation started out in the usual unspecific way\u00a0park conversations start.\u00a0 We both mentioned exhaustion, upcoming school events and the economy.\u00a0 I went back to studying\u00a0my script and she asked what the show was about-to which I replied:\u00a0 “life, love, death and the stars……it’s about the inbetweens.”\u00a0 She made the pleasantries about wanting to see the show and extended wishes for a successful run.\u00a0 Then she sighed and shared she was an “inbetween”.\u00a0 As a single mom-she\u00a0said\u00a0she was in between men.\u00a0….. inbetween decisions and inbetween various diets.\u00a0 She sighed\u00a0another sigh and threw out some\u00a0snippets of spoken\u00a0frustrations at\u00a0her current inbetween-her inbetween,she said,\u00a0seemed to be in an extended run.<\/p>\n
I am in an inbetween.\u00a0 I do\u00a0not like these inbetweens.\u00a0 I do not like the empty space of not knowing-or not even knowing what to do with the space.\u00a0 It is adolescence and puberty all at once-in midlife.\u00a0 It is heartache and unexpected surprises and not being able to do anything about either.\u00a0 It is wanting to test the waters of what if and\u00a0the acceptance of reality -and the wisdom to know the difference.\u00a0 It is the comfort of what is and what has been and the undeniable discomfort of what could be-if I was willing to be selfish and irresponsible.\u00a0 But I am not.\u00a0 No matter the imprint.\u00a0 There was a time in my life I was that selfish and juggled other peoples emotions to justify my own.\u00a0\u00a0 In the long run the residue of disappointment was not worth the reward of knowing what someone else felt like tangled up in my own parts.\u00a0 Inbetweens make me reflect too much on the extremes…..when I should concentrate only on the simple.\u00a0 But, like the scorpion, it is not in my nature-and I end up stinging the people I never intended to.<\/p>\n
This particular inbetween will linger a while.\u00a0 It is not and will not be pleasant. It will\u00a0shift certain aspects of my deep knowing and I will end up on the other side of my inbetween a changed women. I am inbetween watching my mother fade away-as she lives in the inbetween of her old mind and the new one that will eventually erase all she knows.\u00a0 I am inbetween knowing all the right things to do as her daughter-and wishing I could do more.\u00a0 I am inbetween being immensely grateful for my life and unsatisfied with where I am in the mix of motherhood and self preservation.\u00a0 I am inbetween overjoyed and underfulfilled.\u00a0 I am inbetween being settled with mid life and knowing more is on the way.\u00a0\u00a0 I am in the inbetween.\u00a0 Time to stock up on supplies.<\/p>\n