I am having a hard time hearing myself.\u00a0 Or maybe, a more difficult time listening.\u00a0 Whichever it is-this level of not listening continues to fuel this particular chapter and verse of unrest.\u00a0 “Change your thoughts”- said my friend.\u00a0 “Because you might be inviting all of this into your world”.\u00a0\u00a0I can not imagine inviting this kind of chaotic circumstance of\u00a0those around me in various\u00a0stages of dying into my world.\u00a0 Not at the same time.\u00a0 Not at this\u00a0point.\u00a0 Besides,\u00a0I\u00a0have never been a good liar-so changing my thoughts would not automatically rechannel the frequency.\u00a0I would know I was fooling myself, so the response would have little\u00a0affect.\u00a0 What is the point.\u00a0The information I am in the midst of processing is just too profound.\u00a0 This, combined with my DNA\u00a0imprint to fix and repair-to take hold of the unjust and make it right\u00a0is not meeting up to any kind\u00a0 of thought changing release. These thoughts are with me for a while.<\/p>\n
When I was younger, I would run.\u00a0\u00a0I would take off through the neighborhood, the park, the streets-up and down the hills until I was clear.\u00a0 The autumn air would seep in-lips would chap and cheeks would flush.\u00a0 I just\u00a0needed to keep moving.\u00a0 But this is not the case anymore.\u00a0 My knees won’t allow the ongoing repetition of hitting the pavement-and time won’t allow me to get up and go.\u00a0 Just go.\u00a0 Someone else offered yoga as a remedy.\u00a0 It was the most unwelcome calm in my life.\u00a0 Every breath invited a tear to fall…..the more I opened up with a downward dog or sun salutation-or whatever those criss crosses of movement are named- I felt a little more vulnerable…….and not because I did not know what I was doing-but because the deeper the breath- the more attached to the wounds….the deeper the wounds the more attached I was to the thoughts.\u00a0 By the end of the class I was bawling.\u00a0 No more yoga.<\/p>\n
Now, I am somewhere in between shutting out and shutting down.\u00a0This through line of\u00a0grief and anger makes for some interesting exchanges.\u00a0 I should begin some of my conversations with an automatic response:\u00a0 ” please forgive the\u00a0preceeding interjections of\u00a0 disgust and outrage that are sure to surface-I am in the midst of a life crisis of unforgiving proportions.\u00a0 “Do not take it personally and think ill of me- this too\u00a0shall pass.”\u00a0\u00a0 Let’s get on with the conversation.\u00a0 \u00a0But this is not possible when my daughter tugs at every bit of life left in my heart and soul.\u00a0\u00a0 She is\u00a0my joy source-and I can not imagine the sheer disappointment if I were to shut out her essence of just being 6.\u00a0 Excuse me, 6 and a half.\u00a0 No I am not too far gone to not see the beauty-not recognize the cycles of life-not want to see the day begin and end.\u00a0 But I would be lying if I said any of it this was easy on any level.<\/p>\n