{"id":184,"date":"2008-11-23T15:17:00","date_gmt":"2008-11-23T19:17:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.gloriacrist.com\/blog\/?p=184"},"modified":"2008-11-23T15:19:16","modified_gmt":"2008-11-23T19:19:16","slug":"whatll-i-do","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.gloriacrist.com\/blog\/2008\/11\/whatll-i-do\/","title":{"rendered":"What’ll I do?"},"content":{"rendered":"

It’s cold.\u00a0 Just damn cold.\u00a0 The last remaining buds from anything left in my garden are giving way to the chilly blast of\u00a0wind- little seed pods blown somewhere else.\u00a0 I have not the initiative to go out and rake or stay in and fold clothes,or for that matter, grocery shop, clean house or even think about looking for work.\u00a0 I am fine busying myself with stupid little tasks that make me feel like I am getting something done-but really, I am just moving things around-either to be thrown away or moved to another pile of memories. Give me a plastic bin and a Sharpie and I’ll organize stuff-throw out most of it and categorize the rest.\u00a0 Then move it around for years.<\/p>\n

I am stuck.\u00a0 It’s the week after the week after…. the exact time when one thing is over\u00a0and everything else gets back to normal-whatever that is.\u00a0I am restless and edgy.\u00a0\u00a0I have never minded good-byes-or the end of things that were…..I am not a look back over your shoulder for one more glance kind of gal.\u00a0 I savor the time and use it to the fullest.\u00a0 When it is time to go-I go.\u00a0 This is not to say it is always easy and I will confess to crying while not looking back-and certainly in the comfort of my own space-I have shed a tear or ten-or more-at all the goodbyes….but as a rule- I think a goodbye is a sure way to say hello to something else along the way. There is, however an exception:<\/p>\n

When I leave my mother now, I never know if it will be the last time I see her-so those goodbyes are hardest of all.\u00a0 She is damn determined to go before her mind does and I am damn determined to make sure all her remaining days- however many there are- are filled with what she defines as quality.\u00a0 Two freight trains with unspeakable amounts of determination……and she can not figure out where I got this from?!…..<\/p>\n

My mom.\u00a0 Her abundant sunshine despite the weather.\u00a0Her abundant sunshine\u00a0always.\u00a0 I\u00a0have ever only heard her cry-that soul-deep,\u00a0sobbing kind of\u00a0cry twice.\u00a0\u00a0I will never forget that sound. Those times she let it all out. \u00a0Even in the midst of family dysfunction at it’s finest, she remained determined to protect the family and act as if.\u00a0 Even in the midst of her current poor health-she is acting as if.\u00a0 Reformulation at it’s finest.\u00a0 She is fond of saying “I survived damn near everything”- and truth is, she has.<\/p>\n

Every family has dysfunction, she would say.\u00a0 Even as she swept more lies under the rug and wiped off those enormous rose colored sun glasses. She knew on some level, for many years-and she chose to not know.<\/p>\n

yes, mom, I know.\u00a0 But…………<\/p>\n

then I would list all the things that, to me, clearly define blue ribbon winning dsyfunction( as if any family would want to win that prize) and she would say<\/p>\n

what is normal Gloria?\u00a0 Dysfunction is the new normal<\/p>\n

Tell that to the Murdoch empire.<\/p>\n

Actually, really, some of us, turned out ok.\u00a0 We are thriving despite the fall out-though, clearly, there are\u00a0 cracks in our individual sidewalks.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Don't<\/a>

Don't fall in...<\/p><\/div>\n

Here is the biggest heartache in this particular transition with my mom.\u00a0 It is not seeing her decline-it is not knowing she is terrified, it is not seeing the vacancy that comes and goes-but more often stays longer in her eyes.\u00a0 It is hearing her grieve for the what if’s.\u00a0 It is hearing snippets of\u00a0stories I probably should not-and realizing\u00a0the anger she\u00a0swallowed.\u00a0 Big gulps.\u00a0 \u00a0It is being frustrated she did not entitle herself to get angry like she should have-\u00a0It is knowing somewhere in her being she is aware, her family will never be together again in the way she had always hoped.\u00a0 No family barbeque’s, outings or Christmas mornings.\u00a0 Those days are over.\u00a0 In fact, the last time all her children were together was in a courtroom-petitioning for her further protection against a sibling and his own family.\u00a0 Cold hard truths on the table, exploitations noted and any further attempts at stealing from or swindling stopped, once and for all.\u00a0 Mom, having to hear all of this, knowing the\u00a0bitter truth\u00a0and yet, smiling, that smile she smiles, because, for the first time in a long time, all her children, all adults now, were in the same room.\u00a0 Never mind the circumstance.<\/p>\n

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