It has been 15 days. It feels like 15 years. The air does not smell the same despite the hint of a new season on the horizon. Nothing tastes the same and food does not go down easily nor does it stick around. Your breath goes sour and your bowels reject any kind of nourishment. No one tells you that. A slow hum lingers in your mind. It. Is. Always. There. It is not the sweet hum of a long time memory. It is the slow hum of absolute grief. It is louder than anything-especially the beating of your heart and the whisper of breath. You will not shower for days after that last day you felt the touch, the kiss, the scent of your husband-clinging to the last bit of life left on your body. Your chest will hurt-ache- from the non stop crying and gut wrenching sobbing. This kind of crying is different than any other kind of crying you will ever do. No one tells you that. This kind of crying goes on and on and it comes and goes in waves. It is quick and sharp. Tears stream and salt drips into the wounds that seem like they will never heal because something somewhere rips off the scab of any hope of healing. You will age overnight. You will never look the same. You will check on your child just like you did when she was an infant-every hour-every second to see if she is still breathing-if she is okay- if she is sleeping soundly as she should. You will tread on pins and needles.You will wonder what to say-how to say it-so it does not trigger, alarm, set off an emotional onslaught. You will curse, scream and throw fury at the stillness of a house that is now way too quiet-even if it was the quiet that was craved from time to time. You will wonder how you will ever find a glimmer of anything joyful. Some will treat you like this is a divorce-this unexpected death-and some will compare pain and challenge you to defy what they feel as if they have any idea what has taken hold of you and knotted you up into a ball of unanswered questions and any last bit of resolve. No one tells you that. Your pace will slow. You will not sleep uninterrupted. Your brain will not compute. Your heart will break every minute and somewhere in your being you know it will glue itself back together and never be the same. You will never be the same. You will never be the same.
And now comes the hard part – when all the visitors have left and you are supposed to go on with life and you are left with trying to make sense of something that makes no sense. Everything in life seems so unsure. Have faith. Hold on tight. And know that you have so many people surrounding you always. Hugs to you Glo……
Your words are so powerful and painful, I now have a tiny glimmer of understanding of all that you are feeling. My heart breaks and expands for you and Ava. I feel more now because of you, I have paused in my day and thought about all there is to be grateful for because of you. You will never be the same, it is true, but you remain a woman of light and grace. You remain. I love you so very much.
Hello my dear friend…thank you expressing your feelings…I cannot even begin to compare your feelings but some of the words you shared took me to the depths that I have felt since Both parents departed so quickly and close to each other that I barely had time to regroup before the other left me with the responsibility/burden/ love of our farm in SC…one minute I can’t get close enough to feel them and the next I can’t get far enough away to start new…then I abandon my feelings thinking who am I to be so down? It feels sometimes that I am the only kid ever in the world to have ever lost a parent …I didn’t even get a chance with either of them to discuss long term care…it’s like they decided for me that it would be best for me if they left quickly and i would be free to get on with life but I almost felt cheated that I didn’t get the chance to be burdened with long term care…even thought hey both were sickly for several years they still took care of each other…I realize that I was lovingly controlled by them for all my life but I learned so much from them and loved who I was…now that I have accepted the farm in love and have redone most of the house to make it mine and the grounds I so wish daily that they would come see and approve what I have done…I at least know that they would be glad I was there making my own memories…when you can and if ya want come with Ava to my farm and help me make some memories…I feel for you as I know you do me…love girl just love…
Gloria. Since Pete was a baby I always felt he would never comb gray hair. My biggest fear in life was losing him. I thought, too, like my life would never be the same. And though I’m sure you don’t want to hear this now, the time will come when you will accept it. You are right. No one can feel what you’re feeling now. These things have a natural progression and time will dull the pain, trust me. I thought that after losing my son, nothing else, no other death could affect me again. But I was wrong. Every death, even Yuma’s, whom I didn’t know, affects me deeply. I am very sorry for your loss. I have to say that my lack of faith in a religion helped me get through my loss. There’s no God to blame for this. Stuff just happens.
You will never be the same. But you will get through this. My own tears fall as I write this. Knowing the pain you go through is great pain, but at the same time knowing that I don’t know your pain, only you know it… tears falls for you and my arms ache to give you a hug BUT at the same time knowing that it isn’t enough. But one thing I do know, the pain is great but the wound will heal. There will always be a scar, a memory, a heart, a love, a question, …but you will heal. I know this to be true. Even in this pain, even in your weakest state, you will find your strength and you will go on…because that is who you are. You are Gloria, you are Glo, even your nickname emits light. You are strong, especially in your ability to express your vulnerability, which shows even more strength. You will be ok, because you are you. This will not define you but it will affect you and always be with you, HE will alwalys be with you, however you want him to be, Love you bunches. WIshing and praying for you and Ava much healing and peace. xoxoxox Always here if you need me.