Glo Blog

 

In one direction or another.  Right?  If change is the constant then we all have the ability to move forward-one way or another. Change will be the evolution of us all. Even if we don’t do one darn thing. I have lived enough to know life cycles-beyond the obvious of life and death;this we all know.  More so , the life cycle of what comes back around to affirm?  confirm? deny? Remind us? taptaptap us ever so gently heed a warning?  Or better yet, suggest we try that again.  Once more.  I am happy to report a few good, really good circle of life moments.  When all the pieces and parts of the puzzle come together.  People and circumstance all at the same cocktail party, beautifully dressed and on time. Right there in the same room and there I am too, by force or will( or whatever else got me through “it” and got me where I needed to be).   When the past tears and disappointments meet with the joy and success and questions are answered(or not) and that particular circle of life moment is complete. Wrap it up.The trick is staying in the business of life long enough to cycle back around-again..and get it right. (or not) Life will cycle on- we don’t get to live life backwards.  Life is in the business of here and now.  Some days I am present.  Give me all the here and now I can handle.  Some days, though I hate to admit it, my what if’s scratch and claw at my here and now and I find myself on a side trip-there in the back of my mind, where every moment is kept. Oh. And. I remember everything. And there, right there in the deepestdarkest place, I find the road stop sign posting:

No regrets.

For once, I think I am okay with this.

Wouldacouldashoulda.

Can I now be so bold to look back and say that my shoulda’s gave way to whatever else I felt was more important?  My woulda stepped aside for passion?  Pain?  Grief?  Love? Coulda-there, on the sidelines testing my vanity and ego.  The road of no regret is long and hard won.  It is not for the faint of heart.  It is for the ones who take whatever other road seems more interesting and well, yes, less traveled.  Secluded even.  That road in that moment. Not the one of least resistance.  The road of change.  Get on it.  Buckle up.  And have enough sense to stop and pee when the trips get to long, or at least rest….and try, very, very hard not to run over anyone along the way.

 

I have been on a positive kick these days.  Living life in the now.  My now.  This moment to moment of taking whatever comes my way. Maybe the yoga is kicking in-Is it my Buddha and incense?   The four hours a day of biking?  Something is ever so slightly adjusting the level of serotonin in my brain-but by God, I have been happy.  Yes, that’s right!  Happy in a balanced, alliswellinmyworld kind of way. Even-keeled if you will.  Even a quick trip to Walmart to purchase last minute supplies left me-well, okay. Granted I was only there for 15 minutes-but I was able to leave the store without wanting to scream at anyone or tap someone on the shoulder, in a way my Grandma Brown would have done to remind them not to:   talk on the phone in public, have any body part exposed in a most disgusting way, or to beg them to stop having children. Just stop.

But then…………….

Something rose from way up inside the innards of my truest feelings this morning that no amount of incense, biking or Buddha would quell.  A general disgust at all things I simply have tolerated because it was the polite thing to do-people included.  This was the morning I was not  going to take it anymore-because I don’t have to. Nope. Not gonna do it.

No, no, no.  I. don’t. give. afly’infig ( my Grandma Brown would say that too) about what this says about me, about my temperament, my ability to breathe it all in and let it go, my “lack of”, or inability to.  I don’t want to calm down.  I don’t want to make peace.  Has anyone ever thought that by getting rid of all the things( and people) you simply tolerated ( in spite of, because of) can be a very positive way to make peace?

Hey!  I don’t like you.  Never have.  You are not nice and you take too much work to navigate.  Nice know’in ya.  Well, not really.  You never liked me either.

My nine year old daughter has been having a particularly difficult time with a certain other little nine year old. A budding she devil if you ask me.  The troubles with said she devil started last year.  And trust me when I tell you, this little dar’lin has all the makings of manipulation wrapped up in mean( and then I met the mom and it all  made sense to me)

I just don’t like her, my daughter said.  There is nothing nice about her.  There is something to be said for nine year old wisdom.

And while I wholeheartedly agreed, that thing, that make nice gene kicked in and I found myself saying exactly what my mother would have said( and probably did) to me when I was ridiculed by a pack of nine year olds myself-way back when.

You don’t have to like them, you don’t have to be their friend, but you must be nice and be respectful.

Really?   I remember, even to this day, that made no sense to me.  At nine.  At nineteen.  At 29…and well, today.

But why?  (we said this in tandem, my daughter and me)  Only her voice had more conviction and strength, unshaded by years of being nice.

Just be nice Gloria.

No.  I don’t want to.  Any. More.  I don’t want to be nice to people whom I just do not like.  I don’t want to pretend.  Don’t want to carry the burden of  nice anymore.  Not that I will be mean-that’s just not nice.  But I won’t be anything.  Void.  Stop pretending.

My mother was the queen of nice.  She did not know mean.  Well, she did, but her mean was, well, too nice.  And it cost her.  To her, nothing, because she would not have it any other way.  To those of us who knew otherwise, it cost her some extra years of life.  She should have, could have, would have.  But it was not in her capacity.  I chose differently, but it has taken me this long.  To find the voice to say no.  NO thank-you.  Not gonna do it anymore.

Those who know me know me well.  For them I save my nice.  My warmth,  my strength. My compassion and love.  Deep love.

No,if I don’t like you, I don’t want to be your friend.  In a plane, in a car, in a meeting or in a bar.  I am Me. Me I am.  I have nothing to give any more to those who continue to take. My time is valuable.  Not to be wasted.  Anymore.  I can not give an iota  to those who say one thing and mean another.   ALL. THE. TIME. Talk to someone else.  I do not want to pray for God fearing hypocrites-who do the most ungodly of things-and then blame it on God.  Figure that one out. Blame somebody else- and start with yourself.

Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times?  Okay so I am still learning.